Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic