I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Anyone want a chair?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
🍛
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Every house has this drawer
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!