We all have our pet causes.
You Might Also Like
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.