I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.