Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Sharon I have some bad news
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day