My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
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MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?