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What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
an airline just for babies.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.