Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
No, YOUR illiterate.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses