Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
People who hate candy corn love telling you.