Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
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I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.