I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
what’s more important?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Beware of the dog..
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
describing stardew valley
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows