“What?”
– Jude
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My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Festive toon…
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.