my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
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when you are just born a rebel
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*