I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.