One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
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Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
getting groceries
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker