The 5 signs of laziness
1.
You Might Also Like
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
They’re not wrong
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.