[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
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[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.