*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
#growingpains
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]