What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up