HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good