Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁