Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
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I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Buck naked
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car