Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
You Might Also Like
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
People buying plungers never look happy.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Attacked by a mop.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.