[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
This is not me but this is me
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.