All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
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Need this in my life lol
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
‘I know a black person’
– White people
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Candles never taste the way they smell
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.