[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
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A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
mechanics be like
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”