My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
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I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me too 😆
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!