Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.