I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
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Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.