Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life