Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.