“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.