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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
i’m sure it’s fine
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie