#winning
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I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.