Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
what’s more important?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
The three genders
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.