Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
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Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.