The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 馃え
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The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Children of the corn 馃尳
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we鈥檙e at, people.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT鈥橲 NOT, SHARON. IT鈥橲 SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn鈥檛 even MY palm!
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Me: [touches wife鈥檚 arm] 鈿★笍ZAP鈿★笍
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it鈥檚 ok. it鈥檚 not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?