The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend