Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
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[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.