6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
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her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!