this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.