[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No