I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Not all heroes wear capes…
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.