If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
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I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
We all have our pet causes.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.