“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
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“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.