“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
can’t bark with your mouth full
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Brilliant!