JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
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Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
2023 was just a warmup
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.