This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman