My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
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Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.