[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.